Christmas and beyond.....

Newest member of my creations

Merry Christmas to all. This is my newest creation, thought I'd give paperclay a try and see what I could come up with. I haven't gotten a name for her yet I'm waiting for that to come to me at some point. I just felt the need to make an angel. I believe she will be the prototype for more. I'm quite pleased with her actually. I keep surprising myself.

Christmas morning was really fun. Declan is five and Santa is real. One of the toys he got he REALLY wanted and when it was opened he threw back his head and yelled "Thank you Santa" then fell back on the dog. Couldn't have coreographed it any better.

Santa got him some shaving cream so he would have his own when "shaving" with daddy. Don't know what she was thinking! He had it all over his face and chest within 10 minutes. Oh well he smelled great the rest of the day. I'm so grateful to have had such a wonderful Christmas. AFter the year I've (we've) had it was a blessing to all be happy together.

Most of the day was relaxing. I took several naps as I was coming down with a cold that kept me in bed all day Sunday. Coming out for minor visits and a little creativity now and then. I'm feeling pretty good today though I'm ready to remove my nose!

We are a blanket of snow outside with the sun now shinning. Strong winds and lots of snow made yesterday a good day to be snuggled in bed. It was beautiful out this morning too with all the snow and the birds going after the flowers I didn't cut back from summer. Declan said the little angel in the middle looks like a little snowman that the birds built. Love how kids think!

I hope that everyone had a beautiful, sacred, joyful Christmas. I am thankful for so many things that I can't express them all. Family, Friends and Creativity top the list though.

Much love to those of you who stop by. Here's to a joyful prosperous new year.

Heather

Happy Holidays

Hey two times in one month, Go figure!

Things are going well. We'll be decorating the tree tonight, I put the lights on earlier, always my job. Fighting with my new printer. I keep putting in red ink and it keeps telling me it's empty! GRRRRR. I have put it to rest tonight and will try again tomorrow.

I've been working on some new stuff as you can see above. I'll be making more and putting them up on etsy different sizes, messages and papers so they can be used all year round as inspiration. They're fun to make too. Just really happy to be creating a lot lately. Working on finishing projects before I start new ones now. I have too many "UFO's" around. Will post a bunch when they are done.

I'll post again later in the week.

Happy Holidays!

Heather

Angels Among Us

Yes I am here. I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted, I must get into a better routine. So, December 1st, how did that happen? This fall has just gone at warp speed it seems like school for Declan just started and now we're going on to Christmas.

It's been a rough couple of months, but I seem to be getting my footing, I've got two good books to help me through, "A Course in Weight Loss" by Marianne Williamson and "Women Who Run With Wolves" I have been offered that book on and off for years and never read it but this time seems to be the right time to read it and reclaim my "Wild Woman" I'm loving it. And the Course in Weight Loss is fantastic. I'm taking it slowly and processing each lesson to really come to terms with ....well everything. We all have our own stories and trials that we must work through. It has also reaffirmed my faith, something I have always struggled with. I am handing things over to God because I'm just exhausted doing it on my own.

Isn't it funny how things will come to you at just the right time? You'll pick up a book to read it and it won't make sense so you'll put it back and then try again and put it back until one day you start reading it and it's as if they are different words. The "foreign" language becomes clear and you seem to be reading about yourself. "How did she know?" you think. SHE always knew, it was me that didn't and I had to be open to healing.

Open to healing....hmmm. We go around with these burdens, damages, hurts wishing them away, hoping them away, drinking, eating, taking pills to get them away, but we must first be open to examining the why and giving it over and allowing healing. We hang onto the burdens because they are familiar, they are an excuse, they push us down so that nothing is really demanded of us. Our spirits become crushed and we figure nothing will ever change, this is my lot in life. Yet deep inside hiding somewhere if we really look is a little tiny flame, a part that says you deserve better. You keep trying and trying until one day someone says something, you read a book, hear a song whatever, and suddenly you want to heal, you're tired of the excuses, tired of settling and you really want the life that you really want and deserve.

God sends you angels in so many different forms. I best friend whom you are finally willing to listen to. A police officer who speaks from his heart to yours. Books from people who have been there and shine a light for you, illuminating the path that you heretofore didn't see right in front of you. Plus he also sends Angels, the real thing, to hold you up when you can't stand on your own. Several weeks ago I went through the lowest point I've ever had, and looking back I can almost see the angels that surrounded me. There were many of them, keeping me from falling, holding my hand, surrounding me to keep me safe. I have never felt truely alone in all my life. Since I was a little girl it always felt as if someone was watching me. Not in a paranoid way, but that somehow I was being observed and was not alone. I was surprised that not everyone felt this. I thought it was probably God, and I'm sure he checked in, but now I realize it was the angels that surround me. They have always been with me, even now I can feel the familiar sense of the one always with me. He/She because there seems to be a lack of gender, looks out for me. Comforts me in my deepest dispare and brings speaking angels to me when needed.

I hope that somehow some of you will recognize some of the things I've said here. It took 45 years to even acknowledge it all, but now that I have and I KNOW, not just in my brain but also in my heart, it's changed everything and there's no going back.

Blessings to everyone today

Love,

Heather

In the midst of a storm

So in my last post I extoled the virtues of Finding my Muchness and I have found that hanging onto that is much more difficult than expected. Right now I am at a HUGE ebb. Finding it hard to get out of bed, to speak, to create etc. I feel as if my heart is splitting wide open and not in a good way. This challenge called divorce is overwhelming me. I desperately look for someplace to live but even with two jobs cannot afford anything. There is silence so huge in the house it's like another person. And I am trying desperately to just breathe through it. This weekend though, not too much breathing but lots of sleeping. My defense mechanism for sure.

This is a really difficult post to write because I'm really laying myself open and exposed. I'm terrified and near tears at what people will think. If I will be able to handle thier kindness distain, pitty or worse just suck it up and stop whining.

Here goes.....

For years I have struggled with depression off and on. Seeing a therapist off and on since High School, on and off meds. Yet none of that has compared to the last 3-4 years. Trying to get well to heal has been like being on a knights quest for the Holy Grail and still it seems elusive. Just when I think I can breathe like a normal person, get dressed go to work do all the normal stuff it's like a huge storm rushes in and I am back in the places I never ever want to be again. Where I can't see further then where I am now. Wishing I wasn't. Feeling so alone so sad. How do you hang onto the laws of attraction ie being successful creatively, emotionally, having a lovely place to live, feel like you can be a success when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and be left alone?

I feel like such a failure, so many mistakes have been made this year, as I am reminded often. They were impulsive, some I knew it was stupid and some I did in extreem good faith only to have it destroyed and leaving me it quite a bit of debt.

Each time I come to this point of despair I beg God to never let me come here again. And yes sometimes I beg God to just take me away I cannot stand feeling this much pain again. Each time it gets harder to pick myself up again and now I am so tired, my eyes blurred by tears feeling like I'm not really here.

I will make an appointment with a new Dr. tomorrow. Try and find courage, strength and faith. I so long and ache to have faith. But it's that trushing a man thing. And I can't seem to get around it. I am in awe of someone with true faith.

There is so much more I wanted my life to be, so much more I want to be. I've spent my life in doubt of myself, in fear of being a lone, of not being good enough. And through the men in my life have been shown that I am not good enough, from fathers, to teachers, to strangers and yes even a husband.

I am writing this because so often when I feel the way I've been feeling I close up, I put on a good face, laugh and make jokes, withdraw and make excuses. It's so hard to accept help when you feel like nothing. But if I don't reach out I'm never going to make it.

Thank you for spending a little time with me.

Reclaiming my Muchness

After several days of a pitty party, okay a week. I AM RECLAIMING MY MUCHNESS! As any of you who saw Alice In Wonderland, and what creative soul did not. I want to paint a room with mushrooms and flowers, but I digress. The Hatter told Alice (my middle name btw) that she use to be "Much more muchier" Well the hatter in me has called me out and I'm going to be muchier!

As Patrick Swayze said to Gerry Orbach in "Dirty Dancing" "Nobody puts Baby in a corner" Yes my life is realized by moments and lines from Movies, sue me. I'm coming out of the corner and I'm coming out feisty as hell. I'm not letting anyone take my muchness from me. I have WAY too much to offer, I'm talented, creative, can sing for my supper if needs be. And damn it yes I can live the dream that I want to live. I may not see how quite yet buy I have friends and it's time for me to ask for help, think outside the box and really start putting myself out there, making all my dreams a reality.

One of my favorite movie quotes was from Don Juan DeMarco when Marlon Brando realizes there is still passion to be savored in life, says to his wife, played by Faye Dunnaway "We've become caught up in the momentum of mediocrity" Isn't that fabulous?! I mean don't we? We begin to settle, taking the easy road because now even that road is not so easy. So if nothing is guaranteed then why not risk it? It ain't gonna kill you right? Unless your still trying to prove you can fly by jumping off the garage roof that is. With all that is uncertain and strange with the world why not follow your dreams, forging ahead to get what you really really want instead of settling for what you think you can get?

I'm a fabulous woman, smart, kind, quirky, talented and expansive (and not just my butt) but my thinking, it should be devoid of limitations. Dream big and bigger still that is my new motto.

And don't be surprised to see me in a neon purple shirt that says

"I HAVE FOUND MY MUCHNESS!!!"

GO ME!

I found this photo when I was searching for images for "Tango" which by the way I want to learn. And found this exceedingly sensual, romantic and passionate. Dancing in the rain with someone has been a secret yearning for most of my life. Yet this photo also creates in me a longing for a love that when dancing doesn't notice the rain.

I suppose you all know that I am married, however we are in the process of getting a divorce. It's not making me sad. It's a good decision. I'm no longer in love and we just don't understand eachother and sometimes it doesn't seem we even speak the same language. He's a good man, loving dad, but we're not a fit. So I'm okay with it. The scary part and what I'm having trouble with is the moving on part, finding work, finding somewhere to live, what about our son? My love for him is fierce but my husband wants custody, so that will definately be an issue. It's frightening. I know many have been through it and survived, perhaps thrived but the process is never easy.

I'm a very romantic affectionate emotional person, who loves hugs, to be touched, to be loved and I have never had that. I try to stay positive and believe that someday I will have the love I've always wanted yet there are moment, like now, where I wonder if I really ever will.

Tears well up, I want to scream and yell and stamp my feet like a little girl. I want to shout PLEASE can you hear me God! If the reason we are here is to learn to love, then why? I've finally learned to love myself, but there has never been a moment or a time in my life when I felt loved or cherished by a man, and I do so long for that.

I know, I know have faith. Something I have always struggled with and wish I didn't. I know there's a God but often wonder if he knows there's a me.

Thanks for listening I'll be more positive and creative next time. But when someone treats you like "less than" it's good to have a little vent. My heart will open again soon.

Love and blessings to all.
Heather

Etsy

Just a quick post to let you all know that my Etsy shop is open. I'll be adding as I go along, and eclectic mix of needlework, photos and mixed media. Invite your friends. Thanks for stopping by.
www.atmygrandmothersknee.etsy.com
Heather

I cannot believe that this little boy is now in kindergarten! That little baby we brought home 5 years ago now gets on the bus in front of our home and is gone all day. It is amazing how time flies. Everyone always tells you but until you have one of your own you never really understand.

I watched him get on the bus with such mixed emotions. Joy at this big milestone of his life and the things he will learn and be able to do. Sadness that never again will I have him so little and all to myself as I have. Thoughts of I didn't do enough with him while I had him. All those times I didn't feel like playing Star Wars. Excitement that I was going to get time in my studio uninterrupted to have my playtime.

I managed to hold it all together until the bus pulled away then sobbed my way back to the house. The first day was much harder for me than for him. Thankfully no teary I don't want to get on the bus drama. And I did not follow the bus to school! I made plans to go to breakfast with another mom. Lunch the next day with a friend I haven't seen in much to long. Today I will finally get into the studio to play.

No one tells you how difficult motherhood is. Oh you get "It's the toughest job you'll ever love." But they don't tell you about the part where you're sitting on the kitchen floor crying because he just wont listen. Or that you will leave a full grocery cart because they are throwing a tantrum. Or that it's actually mommy who needs the time out. They also don't tell you how wonderful it is to have him crawl into your lap to snuggle and say I Love you mommy. Or that the first time they call you mommy tears will burst from your eyes.

It's a roller coaster ride, this parenthood thing. Days you couldn't imagine them not being in your life, and days when you really can imagine them not in your life. Wouldn't trade it though. The smell of his hair after being in the sun and playing is something that should be bottled and sold.

We're onto the next phase, homework, school pagents, terribly funny plays and the joy of learning and exploring. I just hope that I inspire him to follow his heart, think outside the box, appreciate beauty and being different, respect of all and dream big then bigger still. I want him to learn early that if you can imagine it, it can be done. It took me 40+ years!

I love my little man. And wish him all the joy and pain and triumph that life has to offer. But go light on the pain okay?

Out of the loop

So yes I am still alive and kicking. It's been crazy since getting back from AZ, first my sons birthday his 5th was a week after I got home, trying to get back into the swing of things and we've decided to get divorced. Not easy but necessary for our mental health and Declans.

I had fun in AZ it had it's own beauty big sky, great sunsets etc. but just not my cup of tea. I prefer rolling hills, lush green landscape and big oaks and maples, oh yeah, and grass!

The best part about being out there besides my laser course was the fabulous women I met there. We got a long great, laughed went to dinner, had a party, supported each other and just had a great time. I think the women at the laser institute really set the tone, they all got along were great friends outside of work, vacationed and laughed together. If I'd like AZ better I would have moved just to have them as friends.

Back in the swing of things creating again, cleaning the studio so no small children or animals are lost in there LOL. Little man starts school in a few weeks, kindergarten, seems to quick and while I'm looking forward to some uninterrupted time in the studio, watching him get on that bus is going to be hard. My girlfriend and I have already planned to go out to breakfast and cry!

Hello in blogland. I don't have any photos as I am still away and have no place to download them. School at the Laser Institute is going really well, VERY busy 7 days a week 9-6 lots to take in. I'm missing being creative at home and can't wait to get to painting etc. I have my little water color stuff with me and just need to be brave and do it. It's a little scary looking at a little white page and sitting there with a new medium. I will make the plunge though because you never know until you give it a try.

Be back soon.......

Transitions and adventures

Getting ready to go to Arizona in two days! Haven't even started packing. I want to start another project but there are time constraints and things that actually have do be done. Sucks! Oh well I did do some new stuff this week that has been really fun and a departure from my usual embroidery and blankets. I'm so looking forward to going to AZ away for 16 days for a certification course in Lase Technology, you know hair, tattoo removal, teeth whitening etc. Must work in the mean time until my arts can support me and I might as well make good money to support my compulsive supply buying....

Anyone out there watching So You Think You Can Dance? FABULOUS! But I'm so so sad about Alex's injury. I wish him a speedy and full recovery.

Declan flollowing his heart paint swirls and potions!

Follow along people you will find I just jump all over as it comes to mind. This was also a great week because my son Declan was painting right along side me! He's loving being involved with anything creative including dancing. Flinging himself around the room, doing handstands etc. Then he said the most profound thing the other day when I asked if he wanted to take dance classes. He said: "They didn't teach me in a class mom, my heart teached me" So that has now become my new motto not feeling like I need to copy someone elses rules but to find my own. So if you hear of some home being destroyed because some chemical or tool was not used properly you'll know it was me just finding my own way!

Gonna try and squeeze in a post tomorrow before I head to AZ. Don't know if I'll be able to post when I'm there because I'll be vera busy with school.

If you can't walk a tightrope then you better learn how to fly!

My Cup Overfloweth

(Arthur's Midnight Romp)

Good morning! I hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July. We went to a party on Saturday, lovely, and just a quiet family bbq on the 4th and fireworks just down the road from us that were great.

I am just filled to the brim with ideas lately, I keep writing them in my little idea book, sketching, printing my photos on watercolor paper. Was introduced to Fotoflexer recently Love It! I don't currently have photoshop or any other type of enhancement feature on my computer, waiting until I get my own "buisiness mac, computer so this is a fun way to start. I'm painting, doing some collage trying new things making them my own but finding inspiration from all the different blogs I've been looking at and also from the lovely people who took the Flying Lessons e-course with Kelly Rae Roberts (highly recommended when she has another)

It seems like the more you do, the more you try, the more you leap in faith, the higher you soar! And I am just gliding on the wind that is creativity and joy.

I'll post photos when I'm done with what I'm working on but posted little Arthur above. A recent commission, just love him! He's embroidered by hand, loved making him fuzzy. Hope you like him too. I have a small penguin hanging that I'll be finishing soon and am starting to work on a Pirate quilt as well, plus so many others......I think I need to live to 150 to get it all done. How blessed am I?

Lovely day to all, follow your hearts desire and you will always be rich!

A space of ones own

I do so wish I had a space with windows and lots of light. Currently my studio is a little area in the basement, no windows, surrounded by stored items, kitties (they are my muses) and yes cat boxes! Not so inspiring. I'm finding more and more that I go down get what I need and drag it to the dinning room table to work, there are windows, I can keep an eye on my almost 5 year old and still get things done.

I have been driving around lately taking photographs of whatever grabs my attention and found this above photo. Doesn't that just scream MAKE ME A STUDIO? I would have plenty of room to spread out, add some window and fling open the doors I could put in a loft and hold classes to teach embroidery, mixed media, crochet etc. I'd ask to keep the clock too, isn't it fabulous? Someday!

We're invited to a 4th of July party today and currently unsocial me would rather stay home and create something, currently working on a series of embroideries from Alice In Wonderland, I'm quite excited, I just adore that movie. Will post when I finish the first, Mad Hatter. Alas, I will go to the party, maybe meet potential "clients" LOL this is how I have to think now to build the business. Extra cards in my purse.

Everyone have a wonderful 4th! Keep safe and think how to incorporate fireworks into your work and life! Mmmmwah! (kiss)

First Painting

Here's a quick photo of my first painting. I'm actually quite proud for my first attempt. It's so cool to try new things it makes you feel free and light. I had such a good time doing it too. I've had that canvas sitting around for more than a year, to afraid to put paint to it because of fear of failure. My sister and nephew are amazing painters with two very different styles but you become afraid because you wont measure up.

That's probably been my hardest hurdle along my path to creativity. I couldn't find what my creative gift, talent, calling was. I only knew that I had one. So quite often I would find someone who's stuff I liked and start doing something similar. But that doesn't speak to your soul and give you the joy of creating something that people recognize as you.

I still think my quilts are a lot me, but this could be something too, along with photography. It's so nice to have all the possibilities.

Learning to Fly

Once again I begin. I've always thought of bloggs as overwhelming and what would I say, who'd want to listen to me? Now I realize the importance of a blog as a creative person reaching out to others with the same interests and wanting to share and create a community.

I've been taking Kelly Rae Roberts e-course Flying Lessons the last 4 weeks and it's given me the courage to start reaching out and really believing in myself (Thanks Kelly) It's been at turns overwhelming, informative and most of all fun. If she offers it again take the course!

I'm hoping that through this blog I will find my people so to speak. I long for creative community and friends who also think outside the box and who will turn the car around to check on a piece of junk on the side of the road!

Mainly I do embroidery and small art quilts but also like to paint and crochet and garden and and and....

Welcome to anyone who reads and decides to follow as I embark on this creative journey to develop a creative business and more expansive creative life.

I'm back once again. Jumping back on the creative part of my life. It's been a really really tough year this year, suffering from severe depression and if you have ever dealt with that yourself you know how impossible it is to get anything done. But with the help of modern medicine, therapy and friends I am doing better and getting to know myself again.

I feel better about my creative self, doing a commission, have two exchanges to work on etc. I'm still holding back on painting, will be pushing past that fear soon. Have loved trying new things for my embroidery and art quilt work and will post when the project is done.

It's amazing how we know that we are creative yet fear of failure or success holds us back. It's like we have to instantly be fabulous and making a living. Yes in some aspects of my life I can be a perfectionist and very black and white, all or nothing. Yet I've taken some recent leaps of faith, teaching an embroidery class at the library for kids 10+, becoming a founding member of our local arts council that is just starting. These are big leaps for me. Plus I will be opening an Etsy Shop soon.

It's a journey and something I must do. The whispers have always been there now, I can no longer ignore them.

Sleepy Sunday. Feeling out of sorts, unmotivated and out of step. My mind is muddled and confused and I just want to disappear or be lifted to love.

Finally google let me back in. Seems if I'm away for a while it fights letting me back.

Spring is on it's way despite the snow on the ground, that'll stay for a bit I think since there is so much of it. Since last I was here I've had a job and lost it all within a month. Apparently I was to be up and running in a new job after only a total of 1/2 days training. Silly me. Though I do believe it has worked out for the best. It renewed my desire to be creative. Working full time does not give you much time for your craft when you want to exercise see your family and play with your son. And not being able to create for nearly a month, (there were other things going on as well) has informed me of what my soul already knows. YOU MUST CREATE!!! As my 4 year old would say "Silly to you" So my first forray is to be making a lion costume for a school parade. It's cool and I'm having fun with it. Will post pix when done. Good to be back.

New Background

Just testing the new background making it a little more personal