Monday, December 27, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
I suppose you all know that I am married, however we are in the process of getting a divorce. It's not making me sad. It's a good decision. I'm no longer in love and we just don't understand eachother and sometimes it doesn't seem we even speak the same language. He's a good man, loving dad, but we're not a fit. So I'm okay with it. The scary part and what I'm having trouble with is the moving on part, finding work, finding somewhere to live, what about our son? My love for him is fierce but my husband wants custody, so that will definately be an issue. It's frightening. I know many have been through it and survived, perhaps thrived but the process is never easy.
I'm a very romantic affectionate emotional person, who loves hugs, to be touched, to be loved and I have never had that. I try to stay positive and believe that someday I will have the love I've always wanted yet there are moment, like now, where I wonder if I really ever will.
Tears well up, I want to scream and yell and stamp my feet like a little girl. I want to shout PLEASE can you hear me God! If the reason we are here is to learn to love, then why? I've finally learned to love myself, but there has never been a moment or a time in my life when I felt loved or cherished by a man, and I do so long for that.
I know, I know have faith. Something I have always struggled with and wish I didn't. I know there's a God but often wonder if he knows there's a me.
Thanks for listening I'll be more positive and creative next time. But when someone treats you like "less than" it's good to have a little vent. My heart will open again soon.
Love and blessings to all.
Friday, September 10, 2010
I cannot believe that this little boy is now in kindergarten! That little baby we brought home 5 years ago now gets on the bus in front of our home and is gone all day. It is amazing how time flies. Everyone always tells you but until you have one of your own you never really understand.
I watched him get on the bus with such mixed emotions. Joy at this big milestone of his life and the things he will learn and be able to do. Sadness that never again will I have him so little and all to myself as I have. Thoughts of I didn't do enough with him while I had him. All those times I didn't feel like playing Star Wars. Excitement that I was going to get time in my studio uninterrupted to have my playtime.
I managed to hold it all together until the bus pulled away then sobbed my way back to the house. The first day was much harder for me than for him. Thankfully no teary I don't want to get on the bus drama. And I did not follow the bus to school! I made plans to go to breakfast with another mom. Lunch the next day with a friend I haven't seen in much to long. Today I will finally get into the studio to play.
No one tells you how difficult motherhood is. Oh you get "It's the toughest job you'll ever love." But they don't tell you about the part where you're sitting on the kitchen floor crying because he just wont listen. Or that you will leave a full grocery cart because they are throwing a tantrum. Or that it's actually mommy who needs the time out. They also don't tell you how wonderful it is to have him crawl into your lap to snuggle and say I Love you mommy. Or that the first time they call you mommy tears will burst from your eyes.
It's a roller coaster ride, this parenthood thing. Days you couldn't imagine them not being in your life, and days when you really can imagine them not in your life. Wouldn't trade it though. The smell of his hair after being in the sun and playing is something that should be bottled and sold.
We're onto the next phase, homework, school pagents, terribly funny plays and the joy of learning and exploring. I just hope that I inspire him to follow his heart, think outside the box, appreciate beauty and being different, respect of all and dream big then bigger still. I want him to learn early that if you can imagine it, it can be done. It took me 40+ years!
I love my little man. And wish him all the joy and pain and triumph that life has to offer. But go light on the pain okay?
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
So yes I am still alive and kicking. It's been crazy since getting back from AZ, first my sons birthday his 5th was a week after I got home, trying to get back into the swing of things and we've decided to get divorced. Not easy but necessary for our mental health and Declans.
I had fun in AZ it had it's own beauty big sky, great sunsets etc. but just not my cup of tea. I prefer rolling hills, lush green landscape and big oaks and maples, oh yeah, and grass!
The best part about being out there besides my laser course was the fabulous women I met there. We got a long great, laughed went to dinner, had a party, supported each other and just had a great time. I think the women at the laser institute really set the tone, they all got along were great friends outside of work, vacationed and laughed together. If I'd like AZ better I would have moved just to have them as friends.
Back in the swing of things creating again, cleaning the studio so no small children or animals are lost in there LOL. Little man starts school in a few weeks, kindergarten, seems to quick and while I'm looking forward to some uninterrupted time in the studio, watching him get on that bus is going to be hard. My girlfriend and I have already planned to go out to breakfast and cry!
Monday, July 19, 2010
Be back soon.......
Friday, July 9, 2010
Getting ready to go to Arizona in two days! Haven't even started packing. I want to start another project but there are time constraints and things that actually have do be done. Sucks! Oh well I did do some new stuff this week that has been really fun and a departure from my usual embroidery and blankets. I'm so looking forward to going to AZ away for 16 days for a certification course in Lase Technology, you know hair, tattoo removal, teeth whitening etc. Must work in the mean time until my arts can support me and I might as well make good money to support my compulsive supply buying....
Anyone out there watching So You Think You Can Dance? FABULOUS! But I'm so so sad about Alex's injury. I wish him a speedy and full recovery.
Follow along people you will find I just jump all over as it comes to mind. This was also a great week because my son Declan was painting right along side me! He's loving being involved with anything creative including dancing. Flinging himself around the room, doing handstands etc. Then he said the most profound thing the other day when I asked if he wanted to take dance classes. He said: "They didn't teach me in a class mom, my heart teached me" So that has now become my new motto not feeling like I need to copy someone elses rules but to find my own. So if you hear of some home being destroyed because some chemical or tool was not used properly you'll know it was me just finding my own way!
Gonna try and squeeze in a post tomorrow before I head to AZ. Don't know if I'll be able to post when I'm there because I'll be vera busy with school.
If you can't walk a tightrope then you better learn how to fly!
Monday, July 5, 2010
th of July. We went to a party on Saturday, lovely, and just a quiet family bbq on the 4th and fireworks just down the road from us that were great.
I am just filled to the brim with ideas lately, I keep writing them in my little idea book, sketching, printing my photos on watercolor paper. Was introduced to Fotoflexer recently Love It! I don't currently have photoshop or any other type of enhancement feature on my computer, waiting until I get my own "buisiness mac, computer so this is a fun way to start. I'm painting, doing some collage trying new things making them my own but finding inspiration from all the different blogs I've been looking at and also from the lovely people who took the Flying Lessons e-course with Kelly Rae Roberts (highly recommended when she has another)
It seems like the more you do, the more you try, the more you leap in faith, the higher you soar! And I am just gliding on the wind that is creativity and joy.
I'll post photos when I'm done with what I'm working on but posted little Arthur above. A recent commission, just love him! He's embroidered by hand, loved making him fuzzy. Hope you like him too. I have a small penguin hanging that I'll be finishing soon and am starting to work on a Pirate quilt as well, plus so many others......I think I need to live to 150 to get it all done. How blessed am I?
Lovely day to all, follow your hearts desire and you will always be rich!
Saturday, July 3, 2010
I do so wish I had a space with windows and lots of light. Currently my studio is a little area in the basement, no windows, surrounded by stored items, kitties (they are my muses) and yes cat boxes! Not so inspiring. I'm finding more and more that I go down get what I need and drag it to the dinning room table to work, there are windows, I can keep an eye on my almost 5 year old and still get things done.
I have been driving around lately taking photographs of whatever grabs my attention and found this above photo. Doesn't that just scream MAKE ME A STUDIO? I would have plenty of room to spread out, add some window and fling open the doors I could put in a loft and hold classes to teach embroidery, mixed media, crochet etc. I'd ask to keep the clock too, isn't it fabulous? Someday!
We're invited to a 4th of July party today and currently unsocial me would rather stay home and create something, currently working on a series of embroideries from Alice In Wonderland, I'm quite excited, I just adore that movie. Will post when I finish the first, Mad Hatter. Alas, I will go to the party, maybe meet potential "clients" LOL this is how I have to think now to build the business. Extra cards in my purse.
Everyone have a wonderful 4th! Keep safe and think how to incorporate fireworks into your work and life! Mmmmwah! (kiss)
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Here's a quick photo of my first painting. I'm actually quite proud for my first attempt. It's so cool to try new things it makes you feel free and light. I had such a good time doing it too. I've had that canvas sitting around for more than a year, to afraid to put paint to it because of fear of failure. My sister and nephew are amazing painters with two very different styles but you become afraid because you wont measure up.
That's probably been my hardest hurdle along my path to creativity. I couldn't find what my creative gift, talent, calling was. I only knew that I had one. So quite often I would find someone who's stuff I liked and start doing something similar. But that doesn't speak to your soul and give you the joy of creating something that people recognize as you.
I still think my quilts are a lot me, but this could be something too, along with photography. It's so nice to have all the possibilities.
Friday, June 25, 2010
I've been taking Kelly Rae Roberts e-course Flying Lessons the last 4 weeks and it's given me the courage to start reaching out and really believing in myself (Thanks Kelly) It's been at turns overwhelming, informative and most of all fun. If she offers it again take the course!
I'm hoping that through this blog I will find my people so to speak. I long for creative community and friends who also think outside the box and who will turn the car around to check on a piece of junk on the side of the road!
Mainly I do embroidery and small art quilts but also like to paint and crochet and garden and and and....
Welcome to anyone who reads and decides to follow as I embark on this creative journey to develop a creative business and more expansive creative life.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
I feel better about my creative self, doing a commission, have two exchanges to work on etc. I'm still holding back on painting, will be pushing past that fear soon. Have loved trying new things for my embroidery and art quilt work and will post when the project is done.
It's amazing how we know that we are creative yet fear of failure or success holds us back. It's like we have to instantly be fabulous and making a living. Yes in some aspects of my life I can be a perfectionist and very black and white, all or nothing. Yet I've taken some recent leaps of faith, teaching an embroidery class at the library for kids 10+, becoming a founding member of our local arts council that is just starting. These are big leaps for me. Plus I will be opening an Etsy Shop soon.
It's a journey and something I must do. The whispers have always been there now, I can no longer ignore them.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Spring is on it's way despite the snow on the ground, that'll stay for a bit I think since there is so much of it. Since last I was here I've had a job and lost it all within a month. Apparently I was to be up and running in a new job after only a total of 1/2 days training. Silly me. Though I do believe it has worked out for the best. It renewed my desire to be creative. Working full time does not give you much time for your craft when you want to exercise see your family and play with your son. And not being able to create for nearly a month, (there were other things going on as well) has informed me of what my soul already knows. YOU MUST CREATE!!! As my 4 year old would say "Silly to you" So my first forray is to be making a lion costume for a school parade. It's cool and I'm having fun with it. Will post pix when done. Good to be back.