Sunday, October 17, 2010

In the midst of a storm

So in my last post I extoled the virtues of Finding my Muchness and I have found that hanging onto that is much more difficult than expected. Right now I am at a HUGE ebb. Finding it hard to get out of bed, to speak, to create etc. I feel as if my heart is splitting wide open and not in a good way. This challenge called divorce is overwhelming me. I desperately look for someplace to live but even with two jobs cannot afford anything. There is silence so huge in the house it's like another person. And I am trying desperately to just breathe through it. This weekend though, not too much breathing but lots of sleeping. My defense mechanism for sure.

This is a really difficult post to write because I'm really laying myself open and exposed. I'm terrified and near tears at what people will think. If I will be able to handle thier kindness distain, pitty or worse just suck it up and stop whining.

Here goes.....

For years I have struggled with depression off and on. Seeing a therapist off and on since High School, on and off meds. Yet none of that has compared to the last 3-4 years. Trying to get well to heal has been like being on a knights quest for the Holy Grail and still it seems elusive. Just when I think I can breathe like a normal person, get dressed go to work do all the normal stuff it's like a huge storm rushes in and I am back in the places I never ever want to be again. Where I can't see further then where I am now. Wishing I wasn't. Feeling so alone so sad. How do you hang onto the laws of attraction ie being successful creatively, emotionally, having a lovely place to live, feel like you can be a success when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and be left alone?
I feel like such a failure, so many mistakes have been made this year, as I am reminded often. They were impulsive, some I knew it was stupid and some I did in extreem good faith only to have it destroyed and leaving me it quite a bit of debt.
Each time I come to this point of despair I beg God to never let me come here again. And yes sometimes I beg God to just take me away I cannot stand feeling this much pain again. Each time it gets harder to pick myself up again and now I am so tired, my eyes blurred by tears feeling like I'm not really here.
I will make an appointment with a new Dr. tomorrow. Try and find courage, strength and faith. I so long and ache to have faith. But it's that trushing a man thing. And I can't seem to get around it. I am in awe of someone with true faith.
There is so much more I wanted my life to be, so much more I want to be. I've spent my life in doubt of myself, in fear of being a lone, of not being good enough. And through the men in my life have been shown that I am not good enough, from fathers, to teachers, to strangers and yes even a husband.
I am writing this because so often when I feel the way I've been feeling I close up, I put on a good face, laugh and make jokes, withdraw and make excuses. It's so hard to accept help when you feel like nothing. But if I don't reach out I'm never going to make it.
Thank you for spending a little time with me.