Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
I suppose you all know that I am married, however we are in the process of getting a divorce. It's not making me sad. It's a good decision. I'm no longer in love and we just don't understand eachother and sometimes it doesn't seem we even speak the same language. He's a good man, loving dad, but we're not a fit. So I'm okay with it. The scary part and what I'm having trouble with is the moving on part, finding work, finding somewhere to live, what about our son? My love for him is fierce but my husband wants custody, so that will definately be an issue. It's frightening. I know many have been through it and survived, perhaps thrived but the process is never easy.
I'm a very romantic affectionate emotional person, who loves hugs, to be touched, to be loved and I have never had that. I try to stay positive and believe that someday I will have the love I've always wanted yet there are moment, like now, where I wonder if I really ever will.
Tears well up, I want to scream and yell and stamp my feet like a little girl. I want to shout PLEASE can you hear me God! If the reason we are here is to learn to love, then why? I've finally learned to love myself, but there has never been a moment or a time in my life when I felt loved or cherished by a man, and I do so long for that.
I know, I know have faith. Something I have always struggled with and wish I didn't. I know there's a God but often wonder if he knows there's a me.
Thanks for listening I'll be more positive and creative next time. But when someone treats you like "less than" it's good to have a little vent. My heart will open again soon.
Love and blessings to all.
Friday, September 10, 2010
I cannot believe that this little boy is now in kindergarten! That little baby we brought home 5 years ago now gets on the bus in front of our home and is gone all day. It is amazing how time flies. Everyone always tells you but until you have one of your own you never really understand.
I watched him get on the bus with such mixed emotions. Joy at this big milestone of his life and the things he will learn and be able to do. Sadness that never again will I have him so little and all to myself as I have. Thoughts of I didn't do enough with him while I had him. All those times I didn't feel like playing Star Wars. Excitement that I was going to get time in my studio uninterrupted to have my playtime.
I managed to hold it all together until the bus pulled away then sobbed my way back to the house. The first day was much harder for me than for him. Thankfully no teary I don't want to get on the bus drama. And I did not follow the bus to school! I made plans to go to breakfast with another mom. Lunch the next day with a friend I haven't seen in much to long. Today I will finally get into the studio to play.
No one tells you how difficult motherhood is. Oh you get "It's the toughest job you'll ever love." But they don't tell you about the part where you're sitting on the kitchen floor crying because he just wont listen. Or that you will leave a full grocery cart because they are throwing a tantrum. Or that it's actually mommy who needs the time out. They also don't tell you how wonderful it is to have him crawl into your lap to snuggle and say I Love you mommy. Or that the first time they call you mommy tears will burst from your eyes.
It's a roller coaster ride, this parenthood thing. Days you couldn't imagine them not being in your life, and days when you really can imagine them not in your life. Wouldn't trade it though. The smell of his hair after being in the sun and playing is something that should be bottled and sold.
We're onto the next phase, homework, school pagents, terribly funny plays and the joy of learning and exploring. I just hope that I inspire him to follow his heart, think outside the box, appreciate beauty and being different, respect of all and dream big then bigger still. I want him to learn early that if you can imagine it, it can be done. It took me 40+ years!
I love my little man. And wish him all the joy and pain and triumph that life has to offer. But go light on the pain okay?