At My Grandmothers Knee

I found this photo when I was searching for images for "Tango" which by the way I want to learn. And found this exceedingly sensual, romantic and passionate. Dancing in the rain with someone has been a secret yearning for most of my life. Yet this photo also creates in me a longing for a love that when dancing doesn't notice the rain.

I suppose you all know that I am married, however we are in the process of getting a divorce. It's not making me sad. It's a good decision. I'm no longer in love and we just don't understand eachother and sometimes it doesn't seem we even speak the same language. He's a good man, loving dad, but we're not a fit. So I'm okay with it. The scary part and what I'm having trouble with is the moving on part, finding work, finding somewhere to live, what about our son? My love for him is fierce but my husband wants custody, so that will definately be an issue. It's frightening. I know many have been through it and survived, perhaps thrived but the process is never easy.

I'm a very romantic affectionate emotional person, who loves hugs, to be touched, to be loved and I have never had that. I try to stay positive and believe that someday I will have the love I've always wanted yet there are moment, like now, where I wonder if I really ever will.

Tears well up, I want to scream and yell and stamp my feet like a little girl. I want to shout PLEASE can you hear me God! If the reason we are here is to learn to love, then why? I've finally learned to love myself, but there has never been a moment or a time in my life when I felt loved or cherished by a man, and I do so long for that.

I know, I know have faith. Something I have always struggled with and wish I didn't. I know there's a God but often wonder if he knows there's a me.

Thanks for listening I'll be more positive and creative next time. But when someone treats you like "less than" it's good to have a little vent. My heart will open again soon.

Love and blessings to all.
Heather