Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Fall Days

The Red Tree
Leaves flutter down into a crimson pool, in light that can only be seen in fall. How is it that a blue sky can look so different in fall then it does in the summer or the spring. It's like the light changes and the blue has a season. The smell of fall has been particularly strong the last few days, falling dying leaves and wood smoke. I just couldn't resist a photo of this tree on the way to my sons school. I just wish I could capture the smell of it all bottle it and send it to whomever may be out there reading this. Is there anyone out there? Just nod if you can hear me......


Monday, October 19, 2009

While away...

Yes I was away for a little while. To a beautiful wedding in OR. My niece got married at a beautiful vineyard at sunset. An academy award winning cinematographer could not have set the scene any better.

It was also a wonderful time to see my brother and the rest of the West coast/Alaska family. We don't get nearly enough time together so all of us staying in the same house packed in together was fabulous. Nothing like those late night chats when it's quieted down. My brother and sister are older than me by 14 and 16 years respectively and because my sister is only a few hours away we have gotten to be really good friends over the years but my brother left for Alaska when I was about 6 or 7 and I never got to know him.

If I were to judge him by his children and their families and relationships I would say he is a very fine man indeed. He and his lovely wife have raised two beautiful children, though in their 30's we're closer in age! They are beautiful in every sense of the word, heart, soul, person. I must make a point of visiting more often. And also a point of getting to know my brother better. He's a good man and one I'd like to know.

Now onto Halloween, it's coming! I'm having a party Saturday for about 20 4 year olds! Yes you read that correctly 20 4 year olds. Should be fun and is only for two hours. Will post photos then with results.
In the mean time here's a cool bat blanket/wall hanging I made and will be using as a Halloween decoration.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Trying to find my way

How is it that we allow our selves to be lost? I've been in the process of finding out who I am for the last two years. Finally, finally I have a pretty good idea and am pleased with who I found. A kind compassionate, talented woman, who happens to be a great mom (not perfect, but great in my imperfection), a wife, gardener, creator, lover of animals.

Yet through that I hesitate on WIFE not that I don't want to be one but currently we are going through a really rough time. My husband has made an appointment to see a lawyer while I am away at my nieces wedding. I found the phone book open with a note on top. I don't know if he was going to tell me or not, but there it was. We've been struggling for a long time. I have been suffering from depression that has finally gotten mostly under control and going to therapy, reading Wayne Dyer, Mike Dooley and others to help me create my life. Yet the therapy has been only me, once in a session it was said, "If you fix her and she's happy. I'm fine." Hmmmm, lots of pressure on me, and by the way my name is Heather not her or she.

I'm not sure at all how I feel about it. Sad, scared, relieved, like a failure, like an idiot, are we doing the right thing? Am I unrealistic about what I'd like marriage to be? I don't know, I don't have the answers. It's all new, I'll have to look for my own lawyer too. I have no current job other than being a stay at home mom, unfortunately that doesn't pay.

I don't know, I'm tired, tired of needing to be "fixed" to please someone, tired of not being understood or appreciated, and tired of being blamed for all of it. I'm happy with who I am. Not always happy with what I do, but who of us hasn't wished we handled something better or had been a better person in a situation? Like I said I'm not perfect and don't pretend to be, but I'm also not the whole problem.

I just hope we can be adults about this. I don't want it to be ugly if it comes to divorce. There's no hate on my part, just frustration and disappointment.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Whatts going on

Yes I do hear Marvin Gaye in my mind when writing that title. But I can't help wondering what's going on. This last year or two has been so difficult. Dealing with my MAJOR depression and a husband who didn't/doesn't understand it. Feeling very alone and lonely. Don't mind the alone, don't like the lonely. On line community seems to be my only contact with other creative people. And it's always where are you going? You going on the computer again? Well yeah that's the only place I can go and share who I am with people who understand spending your last dollar on a neat old post card, or buying more fabric when you can't fit what you already have into a room. These are my people.

So how can it be that people I have never actually met get me when my husband doesn't? It's like we're from two different worlds. I've been trying so hard working so hard to make this marriage work and it just gets to be too much work sometimes. I feel like the only one making an effort. We went out for a nice day with our son today and I just really realized that other than our son, we have nothing in common, and nothing to talk about. He doesn't even try to make an effort to be interested in what I find interesting. Antiques, old stuff, being creative. I truely believe that he doesn't even know who I am. A person who can be wacky and out there, who likes to let our son express himself, like letting him stamp a spider and web on his tummy with my ink pad, it'll come out eventually and Declan was thrilled to have something so cool. My husband seemed disgusted. I don't know. I have a feeling I know where all of this is heading and it's scary. I'm a full time mom, no job, no savings. Who wants to make a living being creative! Ha don't we all? I'll find a way to make it work. And I'll find a way to be the best me I can be. Whatever that takes. That little girl in her grandmas arms? She knows no limits, no thoughts of what can't be done, only all the things she wants to do and will do. That's me. Time to think that way again.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

New space

Well here I am a slightly new space that will be updated soon. I hope to share my journey with others as I build my creative life merging it into my "job" where I can make enough money to create full time. Isn't that what we all want?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee here we goooooooooo