Trying to find my way

How is it that we allow our selves to be lost? I've been in the process of finding out who I am for the last two years. Finally, finally I have a pretty good idea and am pleased with who I found. A kind compassionate, talented woman, who happens to be a great mom (not perfect, but great in my imperfection), a wife, gardener, creator, lover of animals.

Yet through that I hesitate on WIFE not that I don't want to be one but currently we are going through a really rough time. My husband has made an appointment to see a lawyer while I am away at my nieces wedding. I found the phone book open with a note on top. I don't know if he was going to tell me or not, but there it was. We've been struggling for a long time. I have been suffering from depression that has finally gotten mostly under control and going to therapy, reading Wayne Dyer, Mike Dooley and others to help me create my life. Yet the therapy has been only me, once in a session it was said, "If you fix her and she's happy. I'm fine." Hmmmm, lots of pressure on me, and by the way my name is Heather not her or she.

I'm not sure at all how I feel about it. Sad, scared, relieved, like a failure, like an idiot, are we doing the right thing? Am I unrealistic about what I'd like marriage to be? I don't know, I don't have the answers. It's all new, I'll have to look for my own lawyer too. I have no current job other than being a stay at home mom, unfortunately that doesn't pay.

I don't know, I'm tired, tired of needing to be "fixed" to please someone, tired of not being understood or appreciated, and tired of being blamed for all of it. I'm happy with who I am. Not always happy with what I do, but who of us hasn't wished we handled something better or had been a better person in a situation? Like I said I'm not perfect and don't pretend to be, but I'm also not the whole problem.

I just hope we can be adults about this. I don't want it to be ugly if it comes to divorce. There's no hate on my part, just frustration and disappointment.